Some toddlers scream whenever they want their parents' attention. It's their way of saying, "Hey, look at me."
Others scream when they want something they can't have — like a piece of candy. In that case, the shrieking means, "I want my way — give it to me now!"
What you can do about it
Screaming at your toddler to lower her voice won't help — it'll only send the message that whoever's loudest prevails. Your best bet is to avoid situations that'll tempt your toddler to raise her voice — and to divert her attention when she does scream.
Here are some ideas on doing just that:
Run errands on her schedule. It's not always possible to work around your toddler, but whenever you can, make sure she's well-rested, with a full stomach and an empty bladder, when you leave the house.
"If you were tired and hungry you wouldn't have the patience or energy to go grocery shopping in a cold supermarket, would you? The same is true for your toddler," says Leiderman.
Stick to noisy stores and restaurants. When you have your toddler in tow, stay away from quiet, intimate, or formal places.
Instead, go where other families go. You'll be less embarrassed when your child screams in an already loud restaurant, and less likely to reinforce her behavior by trying to cajole her into settling down.
Ask her to use an indoor voice. If your toddler's screaming because she's happy, try not to comment or criticize.
But if it's really getting to you, ask her to use her "indoor voice" and stop yelling. Lower your voice so she'll have to quiet down to hear you, and calmly say, "I can't stand the screaming, honey. It's giving me a big headache."
Make a game out of it. Try indulging her need to be loud by saying, "Let's both shriek as loud as we can," and then join her in letting it rip.
Then turn down the volume by saying, "Now it's time to see who can whisper best." Then, like a Simon Says game, switch to other movements, such as putting your hands over your ears or jumping up and down. This'll make screaming seem like just one of many fun things she can do.
"If you're in public you can make the game quieter even sooner by saying something like 'Oh, you sound like a lion! Can you sound like a kitty cat?'" says Leiderman.
Acknowledge her feelings. If your toddler's screaming because she wants your attention, ask yourself whether she's genuinely uncomfortable or overwhelmed.
If you think the environment you're in — say it's a huge supermarket packed with people — is too much for her, rush through your shopping and leave quickly. Then make it a point to shop at smaller markets (or visit the big ones during off-peak hours) and work your way gradually up to the larger, fuller ones again.
If you think she's just a little bored or cranky, acknowledge her feelings. Calmly say, "I know you want to go home, but wait just a few minutes, we're almost done," and push on. Not only will she be comforted that you know how she feels, it'll help her learn how to put her feelings into words.
If you know your toddler's shouting because she thinks she can get you to hand over a cookie that way, don't give in. You'll only reinforce her behavior by giving her what she wants when she screams.
Instead, calmly say, "I know you want a cookie, but we have to finish this first. You can have a cookie when we get home."
Don't bother saying that she can have the cookie later only if she behaves better immediately — by the time she gets it, she probably won't recall what she did to earn it. Simply offer her a cookie later at home.
Keep her occupied. You can make errands more fun for your toddler by engaging her in an activity. Two tactics to try:
Play a game. One 15-month-old's mom told us, "I just talk to my son when we're out running errands. I tell him what I'm doing, what's going on around us, and who's nearby. I've learned that he's quiet when he's busy."
Ask your toddler to help you pick things off the shelves at the supermarket. Or, make up a song about what you're doing. "Just singing, 'We're looking for bananas, bananas, bananas!' makes it more fun for your child," says Leiderman.
Offer toys and snacks. Just be sure to give them to your toddler before she screams.
If you wait until she's screaming to give her a cookie, you'll reinforce that behavior by sending the message that she gets what she wants when she raises her voice. Offer her a snack or toy while she's being quiet, and see if you can't give it an extra twist.
One mom's secret: "I bought my son a little bowl that has a rotating lid so he can't dump the food out. He's entertained by trying to get the snack out. Then once he does, he's too busy chewing to shriek."
Another mom says, "My son has a toy that stays in the car, so it's more special to him than the toys he has in the house and it really holds his interest when we're running errands."
Finally, ignore the onlookers. For many moms the most difficult part of coping with a toddler who loves to scream is brushing off other people's dirty looks.
Here's how one second-time mom handles it: "My 12-month-old daughter screams at the top of her lungs. She isn't hurt or frustrated — she just wants to scream. At 12 months old, she doesn't understand why she shouldn't do this.
"When I was an inexperienced mother, this would have embarrassed me. Now I just think, what difference does it make? I've finally realized it doesn't matter what other people think."
And if that's not enough to convince you that you're not alone, take this ex-onlooker's advice: "I never thought I would be the one saying this because my husband and I used to be the ones who glared, but I say let them stare!
"Obviously, if you're someplace like a church or quiet restaurant where your child's screaming is truly disruptive, take him outside for a while. But in a place like the grocery store, let them look. They'll get over it!"
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